Reading emails from two years back has given me some scope to think. Everyone has people surrounding them, people they love, people who love them, and people they'll grow to love. Some people lose those people. I lost a friend some time back, about a year and a half ago actually. I was reading some emails where I told a friend about losing her, and the first thing he asked when I said I'd had some bad news was 'are you ok?' And I wasn't. But I pretended. I got good at hiding and pretending. To the point where the pretense was more important than the real me. I hadn't been myself in a long time and I needed help and genuinely didn't realise. I thought I'd accepted it, but there came a point where my mother had to point out something wasn't right. But I'm fixing myself now. Or trying to at least.
I love Bethan. Always will; she is a huge part of me and she's the reason I kept going - she's always been an inspiration for me, and I know, I really know that she'd not want me to be upset that she's gone. Apparently I bake when I'm shocked or upset. Excessive amounts of apple crumble. It's quite amusing. Or it would be if I wasn't shocked or upset. There you go! If you ever see an apple crumble emerge from my oven, you know why. I always thought Bethan would be okay, and I never thought I would have to answer that phone call. I never thought for a second I'd have to call people to tell them the news. It all happened so quickly, but so slowly. I spent that entire day making and receiving phone calls. But Bethan made an impact on me every day she was with me, just by being there, she had such a spark of life in her eyes, and such a contagious smile, that you couldn't help but be happy with her.
I love everyone who helped me go through this. I love you for keeping me alive at my lowest points, for keeping me going at my most apathetic, and for telling me when I got too far down the line. I love a lot of people. Which I find hard in a way. Loving people so much means there's a bigger chance of losing them, because there's more of them to lose. At the same time, loving so many people fills me up, and keeps me going, because more often than not, they care about me too, and they always try and keep me upright, so I love them.
Don't isolate yourself, don't become lonely, don't hide, not like I did. Don't make it so you don't know if the moments in your head happened or not, don't let it become a blur. Most of my last year at school was a blur, because half way though i just became numb. I literally couldnt feel anything, and so I stopped caring. So I know now, I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all. Because at least then you know you're real. But I'm better now, I'm much happier - as Johnny Depp would say, I'm much muchier. I'm starting to love the little things about life again, and I've been getting more cheerful. I'm growing as a person, and I hope you can see that if you read this. It's never too late to try, never too late for someone to flick that switch that starts you caring again.
Good friends, real friends, will always try and help you. They'll always come back if you need them to. I live by that. I hope everyone is lucky enough to have a support system like I do. Just seeing a friendly face sometimes makes it all better. Just a hug.
AJ
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