PCOS and Me

Okay, so I've let the news sink in a little bit now. I've had PCOS all my life, but I was diagnosed four days ago. Isn't it interesting that when you don't know about something, you tend not to care so much? Interestingly with PCOS, it's not curable, but there are solutions. Diet, excercise, oral contraceptives, IVF and all of that stuff, I'll always have polycystic ovaries, and I'll always suffer from polycystic ovary syndrome...although, I don't really think suffer is the right word. Suffer implies something horrendous, often something painful, but I'm feeling strangely calm about having this condition.

It's been three years that I've been trying to find out if I have PCOS and those three years have been pretty difficult; so now that I know, I feel strangely at peace with it. The last few years have been filled with tears, laughter, numbness, friendship and utter, complete madness. It's been filled with breakdown after breakdown, but people are always there to pick up my pieces. So thanks for that guys, if I ever have to, I'll do the same for you.

The hardest thing I had to deal with was wondering if I had hyped the whole thing up. What if it got to the results and it turned out I was being a hypochondriac? There was one person who - unknowingly - made me feel like that. It did make me think, well I'm obviously not worth the bother, maybe I should just quit while I'm ahead. But I didn't. And I do have PCOS. I wasn't hyping it up.

Okay so now I know exactly what my problem is, and I know how to deal with it. The new doctor's surgery I've been visiting has really helped me on my way to finding out. They've done everything they can to support me, and that's helped so much, it's unbelievable. I'm glad that I found out sooner rather than later, and that everything is going to be okay; I'll make everything okay. I feel a lot more of a person, if that makes sense, a lot more substantial than I used to feel. I've begun to find it easier to talk to people about my situation, to tell people what's going on and in turn help them.

Having PCOS can make you feel really inadequate, like 'nobody's going to want me' and 'I am not worth the hassle' but that's not true at all. It's normal to feel like this, normal to have a massive blow to your self esteem after diagnosis, but it will get better. It can always get better.

I'd like to hear from anyone who has PCOS if any of you read my blog. We can all deal with it together!

AJ

Post-Ultrasound!

Hi!

So yesterday I had my ultrasound - just to clarify, I won't get the results for a good couple of weeks yet! The ultrasound itself went very smoothly and quickly, I was trying to make it go quicker by tuning out because I really, REALLY had to pee. She got the photos that she needed and let me go. It's strange, because she pressed down really hard on my tummy with the probe-y thing, and it didn't hurt too much during the examination itself, but afterwards I was quite sore, and my tummy feels a little bruised, but what can you do? At least we know I'll know soon. I hope.

So I'm pretty happy I've got that done with. I've been feeling a little under the weather recently, but I think that has something to do with the cold. Today, I ventured out into the city and went to the cinema with a few friends. We went to see The Three Musketeers. It was a great movie, very entertaining and filled with action. I must say that the actors were brilliant with their characters and well...played the parts brilliantly, but this isn't a film review, I'm not very good at those. Go out and see it, It's great.

I suppose this is a bit of a filler post, so that you guys know what's going on with me right now. I'll pop in a few random things. Like this one: anthologies2011.blogspot.com home of the Memory Eater. CP will soon be posting a page one where to purchase the anthology, so please check it out and do so! A lot of writers and artists (myself included!) have worked very hard on this anthology and we want to see it take flight!

Also, everyone say hi to my wonderful friend Kitty Curtis (you can find her on The Call To Adventure, I write things over there sometimes too!) because she's now at Cambridge university and doing well! She even sent me a post-card Ooooooooooo pooostcard!

That's about all the news I have to share with you right now. Everything seems to be okay from this front, but it could always be the calm before the storm. Aaaaah happy thoughts.

Love
JCxxx

Pre-Ultrasound Nerves

Okay, so you might know that I'm scheduled for an ultrasound on Wednesday. You might also know that this is part of an investigation to see whether I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). You might even know that this has been an ongoing thing for oh...the last three years. Yeah. Some doctors just don't want to give you a straight answer. But however much I talk about straight answers, not being able to get them etc. it doesn't take away from the fact that I've gotten used to them. How weird is that? I'm used to being given shitty answers, like 'we don't normally investigate people who aren't in a stable relationship' what?! NO.

*Ahem* Sorry. Anyway, I've gotten to this point, the pre-ultrasound nerves. There are things going through my head like 'what if I have PCOS?' and 'what if they can't get a clear picture' and 'what if they do get a clear picture?'. But I think the not knowing is worse than the knowing. I just want a little reassurance that whatever happens, everything's going to be okay. And it's not like I don't have an excellent support system, but I'm seventeen years old. I never expected to care about being able to have kids. I never expected to have to deal with any of this.

To be frank, the worst things that I've had to deal with are, in order, horrible medication; the stuff I was on before made me depressed and nauseous. The nausea I noticed, but the most frightening thing was that I didn't realise that I'd gotten to such a depressed state. I nearly quit school, I nearly sabotaged all of my friendships, I nearly ruined what life I have. The other thing that's really bothered me is 'Oh, it's probably not PCOS'. It's when people say this that you know they're not sure what to say. But at the same time, it feels like they're blowing you off, like it's not a real problem, but oh wait, it IS! I hate that, like more than most things. I'm not telling people to get sympathy most of the time, and when I do want sympathy, it's not because I'm an attention seeker, it's because...well it's a big problem that I can't deal with alone.

I can't help but feel very alone sometimes, and I'm writing this in the hope that someone out there has gone through something similar and might offer a few words of encouragement, but it's a long shot that they'll happen to stumble across my garbled words. And if there's anyone out there that I can help, I'd like to. Potentially having PCOS doesn't scare me anymore, there are women who have it all over the place who have it, women that will be diagnosed with it. As alone as I feel I know that there are people with the same issues.

I'm terrified of hospitals - there's another thing about me. They're horrible. I respect anyone who can work in a hospital on a daily basis. The thing is, I have to see my gyno/radiologist in the hospital. Aaaaaaaahh! Anyone wanna field this one? HELP!

I'll let you know how the ultrasound goes, and when I get the results.

AJ

Sinners Never Sleep - You Me At Six at the O2 Leeds

On Wednesday evening, I was lucky enough to be able to go, with a friend to see You Me At Six on their current tour in Leeds, in promotion of their brilliant new album, Sinners Never Sleep. I think it's safe to say that I have always liked the band, but they hadn't stood out for me until they released this album, and I genuinely think this is their best album yet. With the opening song of 'Loverboy' with its sometimes annoyingly catchy tune (it's been stuck in my head for days...) the rest of the album is sure to impress. I think my favorite song on the list is probably Bite My Tongue feat. Oli Sykes. I'm not going to lie, there's a bit of screaming at the end, and I'm not the biggest fan of screaming, but I don't know what it is about this song that makes me really not care about the ending. Anyway, I'll end my inadvertent advertising of this album by saying if you do buy it, it's a good investment. I really enjoyed it.


I was even fortunate enough to get into a small meet and greet session before the concert. I think the thing that struck me was how down to earth the band are, they were just sat, looking slightly sheepish grinning at everyone and joking between themselves, just an ordinary bunch of guys. This was the second thing that boosted my liking of them. They didn't seem to have that overly cocky attitude that you see rockstars develop as they get famous, although, I feel I should mention, they dropped more than a few f-bombs during the show, I honestly don't think I've heard the f-word used more within the space of ten minutes. Well done Mr. Franceschi, well done.


When it got to the actual show, the atmosphere was crazy. Everyone was buzzing, and even though we didn't want to seem rude, I think we all really just wanted the main band to come on, but when they did, the crowds, rather predictably erupted into cheers and screams. The energy overtook the room when they burst into their first song, The Consequence. The amount they jumped around on stage was insane. I can't describe it in any other way than it was like they were taking the energy from the room and throwing it right back down there. This was the third thing that made me like You Me At Six even more.


The majority of the songs that were played were, of course, from the new album, and I think it's amazing how people learn the words to songs so quickly. After the main man, Josh Franceschi, claimed that 'you got some beautiful singing voices Leeds' the crowd through all their energy into singing along, so much so that if Franceschi hadn't been there, it probably wouldn't have made much difference in terms of adding vocals to the songs. But having said that, when you could hear the insane vocals that were being produced, combined with the drumbeats and the guitars, You Me At Six really got your heart going.


The night was brilliant, and this band are definitely my new addiction. Since seeing them, I haven't been able to stop listening to them whenever I can. Just the feel of the room is enough to make me want to go out and see them again, so if you get the chance, you definitely should go. Y'know...if rock music is your thing of course. But an amazing night, and definitely one to remember.

It would happen...

A couple months ago or so, I submitted a blog post about being tested for PCOS and my journey through that. I believe it was entitled 'Grin and bare your teeth'. Apparently, I spoke too soon with that. I told you I had tested negative for PCOS, but it turns out I haven't been given the all clear yet. The lady on the phone must have interpreted it wrong, because I soon received a letter telling me to book an appointment to see my doctor about it. This is the second time it's happened to me, so it didn't come as a huge shock. So off I went, trooping to the surgery around the corner, with a sense of cold foreboding upon me.

My doctor was very friendly, kind and sympathetic, and basically was just really nice to me. He told me I wasn't completely in the clear for PCOS, because my hormones don't quite match up with how they should be. I'm now waiting on a letter for an ultrasound. It's been a couple of weeks since I saw the doctor, and I'm on new pills which he gave me, in the hope it would help my symptoms somewhat. The pills are great, they don't make me nauseous, they don't make me depressed and I haven't suffered any adverse effects yet. This process has made me so tired, but it's made me grow as a person. In spite of what it's put me through emotionally, I wouldn't change a second of it, because it's helped me become who I am, as cheesy as that sounds.

I've come to a point where I've reached a sort of conclusion with my journey. There are two possible endings. If I have PCOS, I might not be able to naturally have children, but there are treatments out there - IVF, things like that, and I could adopt if can't conceive those ways. If it's not meant to be, I won't have children, because that was never meant for me. If I don't have PCOS, I might still be able to easily have children, but again, if it's not meant to be, then it isn't meant to be. We'll see what happens, and I'll let you know. Who knows, if I have it, this might turn into a 'Coping with PCOS' blog. If you're going through the same thing, don't go through it alone. Something that's kept me alive is knowing that my friends and family were with me all the way.

If you need a friend, someone to talk to, any advice, contact me at my Advice column on The Student Review website. They're usually entitled AJ's Advice, there's a link to TSR just below my top banner. http://www.thestudentreview.co.uk

AJ

Nostalgia and sadness...

Reading emails from two years back has given me some scope to think. Everyone has people surrounding them, people they love, people who love them, and people they'll grow to love. Some people lose those people. I lost a friend some time back, about a year and a half ago actually. I was reading some emails where I told a friend about losing her, and the first thing he asked when I said I'd had some bad news was 'are you ok?' And I wasn't. But I pretended. I got good at hiding and pretending. To the point where the pretense was more important than the real me. I hadn't been myself in a long time and I needed help and genuinely didn't realise. I thought I'd accepted it, but there came a point where my mother had to point out something wasn't right. But I'm fixing myself now. Or trying to at least.

I love Bethan. Always will; she is a huge part of me and she's the reason I kept going - she's always been an inspiration for me, and I know, I really know that she'd not want me to be upset that she's gone. Apparently I bake when I'm shocked or upset. Excessive amounts of apple crumble. It's quite amusing. Or it would be if I wasn't shocked or upset. There you go! If you ever see an apple crumble emerge from my oven, you know why. I always thought Bethan would be okay, and I never thought I would have to answer that phone call. I never thought for a second I'd have to call people to tell them the news. It all happened so quickly, but so slowly. I spent that entire day making and receiving phone calls. But Bethan made an impact on me every day she was with me, just by being there, she had such a spark of life in her eyes, and such a contagious smile, that you couldn't help but be happy with her.

I love everyone who helped me go through this. I love you for keeping me alive at my lowest points, for keeping me going at my most apathetic, and for telling me when I got too far down the line. I love a lot of people. Which I find hard in a way. Loving people so much means there's a bigger chance of losing them, because there's more of them to lose. At the same time, loving so many people fills me up, and keeps me going, because more often than not, they care about me too, and they always try and keep me upright, so I love them.

Don't isolate yourself, don't become lonely, don't hide, not like I did. Don't make it so you don't know if the moments in your head happened or not, don't let it become a blur. Most of my last year at school was a blur, because half way though i just became numb. I literally couldnt feel anything, and so I stopped caring. So I know now, I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all. Because at least then you know you're real. But I'm better now, I'm much happier - as Johnny Depp would say, I'm much muchier. I'm starting to love the little things about life again, and I've been getting more cheerful. I'm growing as a person, and I hope you can see that if you read this. It's never too late to try, never too late for someone to flick that switch that starts you caring again.

Good friends, real friends, will always try and help you. They'll always come back if you need them to. I live by that. I hope everyone is lucky enough to have a support system like I do. Just seeing a friendly face sometimes makes it all better. Just a hug.

AJ

Just go through it...

Adapted from AJ's Advice (my column) on thestudentreview.co.uk

There comes a time in pretty much everyone’s life when you just wonder if the world is ever going to listen to you. All the things we try and do – are they ever going to make a difference? We hope so, somewhere along the line, but it’s frustrating when you keep having to wait. However, good things come to those who do wait. Trust me. This post is dedicated to Mr. Troy Davis, who was executed one wednesday night ago in spite of millions campaigning against his sentence.

It’s tough having to watch everything you say be disregarded, especially in a case like Troy’s, but everyone will make a difference to someone. Even if your mark is small, at least it’s there, eh? Apparently it’s rare that people cry tears of sadness, but more commonly of frustration – a complicated emotion though it may be. I’ve had many tears of frustration myself, and I admit that with pride. Don’t be ashamed of the tears, they only make you human.

So I want to pass a message to Troy Davis’ supporters, and his family, and his friends. We weren’t heard on Wednesday night, not by the Georgia Parole Board, nor by the district attourney, nor the person who sanctioned the warrant for the execution, but now we can fight for everyone in the same situation as Troy was. There was too much doubt about his execution, and when the decision was made it was a sad day for justice, not just in America, but worldwide. But we’ll keep going, because that’s just what we do. The world may be a dark place sometimes, but that doesn’t stop us from lighting a candle. You can find more details about Troy Davis and the case on the Amnesty International website.

So I suppose this is about emotion. I'd always been afraid of showing emotion because I'm always the strong one, the quietly confident, suffer in silence type. But I have very low self esteem and the truth is, the strength is a bit of a facade. Don't get me wrong, I'm stubborn as hell, and I hate giving up, and I'm strong enough to handle my own problems and help others with theirs, but I've become very good at hiding myself. It's a strange feeling. Life can be hard, but we have to go through it. Don't give up, talk to someone about it.

So while I'm here I'm going to try to make a difference, because that's what I want to do. We all make a difference, even if it's only small. Even if only one person hears you, think to yourself, what if another person hears them, and so on. The pattern could be exponential if we try hard enough.

AJ

Real things.

I have never been one to be reliant. I consider myself pretty independent, I don't like people worrying about me. I'm always the strong one, the nurturing one, the one who wants to know about your problems, the one who wants to help, regardless of how I feel. But lately, I've realised that's not entirely true. There is someone I confide in more than anyone else, and I rely on her to be there when I need her, and she has never once complained about me. That I know of at least. To say the least, she's always been a bit of an angel to me, and I love her for it.

Yesterday, my father turned to me and said 'money is easily made, but a friend is for life' and while that may not be the case for some people, you have to ask yourself, is that friend a real friend? Because in my experience, a real friend is for life. You might have silent periods, maybe they'll disappear, but real friends always come back. And we don't have a hidden agenda. So, to Amber, I love you for all the times you've let me cry on your shoulder, seen me puke, looked after me when I'm down or ill, just thank you. You're amazing.

As I began writing this, I set my IM status to 'blogging, interrupt if you want a mention' and so far, I want to mention Meghan Jenkinson, small and awesome. Also, Becky Simpson, another person who popped up in my chat window. These two have also been a huge support for me.

I actually want to tell you guys about another person. Her name's Poppy, but she hates that, call her Nudge if ever you should meet her. I love Nudgie. Even through looong periods of silence, I've managed to find her again. We've spent long times chatting, and I want her to know I do care about her (despite some little periods of doubt, what? At least I'm honest!), more than those assholes who've left her. Hear that Nudgie? Forget 'bout them. They're not real friends. Not unless they grovel. I love you kiddo, and I hope you have an amazing time in oxford! I'd stow away, but I have college and crap.

I like to hope that I make a difference to people, that I'm not just a bit on the side that they'll clean up later, and I hope that's true. I have a really bad complex, a really bad notion that if I can't help myself, nobody else can, but I know it's not true. People have made a huge difference to me. I'm young, but I really don't feel it. But I've got a lot left to learn, I've got so many people to meet, so many to find again, I want to live, and I'm damn sure gonna do it. Join me on my ride if you want.

AJ

Feeling Upside-down

Feeling upside-down - to me that's the nauseous feeling where your stomach wants to live where your mouth is and your mouth wants to live in your intestines, thus giving you an upside-down feeling. I often feel a bit like this. It can be from irritation or anxiety, or maybe you just have stomach flu. Either way, it means you need to chill out for a little while and let it pass.

I've been feeling upside down for about a week now, and it's beginning to pass. This week will mark the beginning of my last year in school. I think that scares me more than anything else right now. I mean, in a way it's nice, because some of my worst times have been at school, but so have some of my best. I nearly completely dropped out of school last year. I genuinely would have if the parents had let me. I wasn't in a good place, and i just didn't have the motivation to...well...be there.

But I kept at it. I just kept pushing, and I think that's the best way to get through some things sometimes. I've had to push a lot the last couple of years, and I do feel very tired. I do sound like a drama queen, don't I? A song lyric that really springs to mind when I'm feeling like this is 'And I'll admit, I don't want you to get me through this.' I go through things alone a lot of the time. I talk, hell yeah, I talk about it, but sometimes its not enough, because people don't really know what you're saying unless they've gone through it.

But that's not always the best way to go. This is partly why I've started blogging again. Someone out there will be feeling the same as me, and hopefully, my blogging will help. I'm not that interesting, not a celebrity, just a normal person, who keeps going and writes about it on the way. I hope someone finds me helpful...or interesting.

AJ

Grin and bare your teeth...

Okay. Blogging. Sharing your experiences with...well the world can be a hard thing to do. First of all, you never quite know whats sharing worthy. It's interesting to see what people are willing to share with you and what they want to hide.

The thing with blogs is that you can put on a persona, you can lie, and who's ever going to know? But I'm at an advantage here, because it seems that close friends of mine are following my blog, so they'll know I'm not lying. Unless, of course, I've created their accounts, but someone would catch me out. The truth always tells in the end.

Yet again, I've chosen to write to you at obscene hours of the morning. Because I got some good news this morning and I wanted to share it with you all. Last week I had a blood test, because I've been showing many of the main symptoms of a condition called polycystic ovarian syndrome. I read and read and read about it, information about the condition isn't exactly hard to find. It's one of the leading causes of infertility in women, so naturally, I was worried. I've never been one to want children, or even like them sometimes, but the last couple of years, I felt like that option could be taken away from me, so my opinion radically changed. I want a family when I'm ready, I think in a way, everyone does at some point in their lives. But, I'm in the clear. As far as I know, I don't have PCOS, so it's still an option. It took hour for the news to sink in, but I'm so happy about it.

My GP was reluctant to test me for the condition, but I pushed for it a little, so I could rule it out as an option, which I now have. I wanted to write this to let people know, if you want them to tell you something, test you for something, you only have to ask. Don't be shy of doing it. This has given me stress over the last few years until I plucked up the courage to ask.

So grin, and bare your teeth. If you need to know something, it's usually something big and it means you need to deal with it. Maybe it's a problem. If it is, you have to push to get it sorted, nobody else can do it for you.

AJ