"I just don't want to talk about it."

We all have those days where we just want to hide under a duvet and watch crappy movies, not make any interaction with the outside world and just mope. And sometimes, after a good day of solid moping, everything feels alright again, and you can see why the birds are singing and the world is spinning.

But what if you can't? What if you spend weeks not wanting to move? What if you feel so terrible about yourself that you can't bring yourself to be more?

So many people on the internet - myself included - talk about depression, about mental health, about experiences, solutions and reasons. I'm going to try and explain to you how I felt when I went through a kind of depressive funk a while back. I feel like a different person than I did then, and even though there are large periods of day to day life that I just can't even remember, large blanks as it were, I still remember how it felt. It did not feel good. It's the worst I've ever felt, and as far as depression goes, I don't think I even scratched the surface.

I don't like to use the 'd' word when I talk about myself. I was never diagnosed with depression and I hope that I never have to be. What happened to me was a mixture of poor self-esteem and medication that went a bit wrong. I lost a friend, and then I lost what felt like my femininity within the space of a couple of years, and those years, that space of time between those two events were filled with confusion and bewilderment at my body, which was just going into a sort of hormonal train-wreck. I am reluctant to say that I was depressed because, even though I have felt terrible about myself, about the world and about everyone around me, and I have felt alienated from everything and apathetic, and at times numb from everything except anger, I have seen people go through worse.

I've since come more to terms with myself, but there are still occasionally those days where I just want to disappear into a little cave and just cry, but it feels more normal than it used to. Much more normal. But the point of this isn't that I came out of the other side feeling better about myself. That took a long time, a change of medication to fix the hormones that made my head feel rubbish, and a good friend that would listen to me when I learned to talk about it.

The worst thing I felt was worthlessness. Around the time that I was diagnosed with PCOS, I began to feel like I wasn't worth the trouble, and like I shouldn't bother trying, and like I shouldn't talk to anyone because it wasn't worth stressing them out about my silly little feelings. I hid it a little too well though. Nobody noticed that I wasn't quite right for a really long time because I had sort of... distanced myself from everyone. I went about it the wrong way, but I'm not the only one who does. I'm not the only one who feels - or felt - like they're worth less than everyone else. I still have issues with myself... I'm not very confident, but the written word helps me a lot. But I only began to feel better about myself when someone helped me to. You should not deal with these things alone. The people who love you will be there no matter what.

If you're on the other end though, if you're one of the people who's worried about someone, make sure you know the person really well. Be able to see through that mask. That's the hardest part I think... then just being there to listen. Showing them you care and they're not worthless. Sometimes "I just don't want to talk about it." is a start. There isn't always a logical reason to feeling awful, that's a big one to understand. It might not make any sense to you, but try and understand that it might to them.

I'm going to stop this here, before it becomes a full essay. Words mean a lot to me and I want to get them right, especially about something like this. People I love, people I care about, have been affected by depression, and it's become something quite close to me... You can never fully understand someone else's feelings, but you can always listen.

As always, thanks for reading.

- AJ

Old Things... and New Things...

Even though I'm always glad for the arrival of Summer, it's always tinged with a little bit of sadness - less and less every year, but it's always there, and it's always going to be. A few years ago, vaguely around this time of year, I - and a lot of people in my life - lost someone important; probably one of the best friends I've had. I think back and I'm still inspired by my friend, and it still fascinates me how she managed to remain so upbeat, even as we began to see less and less of her over time. It's things like this, people like this that shape who we are and who we want to be. We all want to be the best person that we can be, so what's stopping us?

For me, I know that I'm in my head way too much sometimes, and that I need to just move way back into the present and get on with life, but sometimes, those far off, vaguely possible eventualities terrify me. But the problem is, not getting on with things now means that I might not get onto those far off eventualities, as likely or unlikely as they may be. And there it is, the shunt that takes me back into the reality that I'm in, and stops me daydreaming about lighthouses and illustrating children's books whilst simultaneously designing my own range of furniture... because I can't get there if I don't do this part of my life now.

Forgive me, I think I'm rambling a little bit...

The way we handle things that have happened to us, the things that are in our past... old things, shapes the way we see the future, whether you're a realist, optimist, pessimist, whatever-ist. It's really important to value experiences that you have now, and make the little things important. Remember the things that make you happy... and the things that make you sad, because honestly, you never know what you're going to be facing the next day.

I wish I'd had more time with my friend, that I'd gotten to make a few more of her days brighter, but I can't anymore, and I just have to rely on the idea that maybe, just maybe I managed to help make something brighter, whether it was a day wandering around the small city that I call home, or cracking a stupid joke in an IT class, I just hope that I made a difference. But now, I try and make everyone I meet smile, and it can be harder with some people more than others, but making someone smile, for someone as emotionally... muddled as I am, can just make you feel properly again.

Yeah...

- AJ