Reading emails from two years back has given me some scope to think. Everyone has people surrounding them, people they love, people who love them, and people they'll grow to love. Some people lose those people. I lost a friend some time back, about a year and a half ago actually. I was reading some emails where I told a friend about losing her, and the first thing he asked when I said I'd had some bad news was 'are you ok?' And I wasn't. But I pretended. I got good at hiding and pretending. To the point where the pretense was more important than the real me. I hadn't been myself in a long time and I needed help and genuinely didn't realise. I thought I'd accepted it, but there came a point where my mother had to point out something wasn't right. But I'm fixing myself now. Or trying to at least.
I love Bethan. Always will; she is a huge part of me and she's the reason I kept going - she's always been an inspiration for me, and I know, I really know that she'd not want me to be upset that she's gone. Apparently I bake when I'm shocked or upset. Excessive amounts of apple crumble. It's quite amusing. Or it would be if I wasn't shocked or upset. There you go! If you ever see an apple crumble emerge from my oven, you know why. I always thought Bethan would be okay, and I never thought I would have to answer that phone call. I never thought for a second I'd have to call people to tell them the news. It all happened so quickly, but so slowly. I spent that entire day making and receiving phone calls. But Bethan made an impact on me every day she was with me, just by being there, she had such a spark of life in her eyes, and such a contagious smile, that you couldn't help but be happy with her.
I love everyone who helped me go through this. I love you for keeping me alive at my lowest points, for keeping me going at my most apathetic, and for telling me when I got too far down the line. I love a lot of people. Which I find hard in a way. Loving people so much means there's a bigger chance of losing them, because there's more of them to lose. At the same time, loving so many people fills me up, and keeps me going, because more often than not, they care about me too, and they always try and keep me upright, so I love them.
Don't isolate yourself, don't become lonely, don't hide, not like I did. Don't make it so you don't know if the moments in your head happened or not, don't let it become a blur. Most of my last year at school was a blur, because half way though i just became numb. I literally couldnt feel anything, and so I stopped caring. So I know now, I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all. Because at least then you know you're real. But I'm better now, I'm much happier - as Johnny Depp would say, I'm much muchier. I'm starting to love the little things about life again, and I've been getting more cheerful. I'm growing as a person, and I hope you can see that if you read this. It's never too late to try, never too late for someone to flick that switch that starts you caring again.
Good friends, real friends, will always try and help you. They'll always come back if you need them to. I live by that. I hope everyone is lucky enough to have a support system like I do. Just seeing a friendly face sometimes makes it all better. Just a hug.
AJ
Thursday 29 September 2011
Sunday 25 September 2011
Just go through it...
Adapted from AJ's Advice (my column) on thestudentreview.co.uk
There comes a time in pretty much everyone’s life when you just wonder if the world is ever going to listen to you. All the things we try and do – are they ever going to make a difference? We hope so, somewhere along the line, but it’s frustrating when you keep having to wait. However, good things come to those who do wait. Trust me. This post is dedicated to Mr. Troy Davis, who was executed one wednesday night ago in spite of millions campaigning against his sentence.
It’s tough having to watch everything you say be disregarded, especially in a case like Troy’s, but everyone will make a difference to someone. Even if your mark is small, at least it’s there, eh? Apparently it’s rare that people cry tears of sadness, but more commonly of frustration – a complicated emotion though it may be. I’ve had many tears of frustration myself, and I admit that with pride. Don’t be ashamed of the tears, they only make you human.
So I want to pass a message to Troy Davis’ supporters, and his family, and his friends. We weren’t heard on Wednesday night, not by the Georgia Parole Board, nor by the district attourney, nor the person who sanctioned the warrant for the execution, but now we can fight for everyone in the same situation as Troy was. There was too much doubt about his execution, and when the decision was made it was a sad day for justice, not just in America, but worldwide. But we’ll keep going, because that’s just what we do. The world may be a dark place sometimes, but that doesn’t stop us from lighting a candle. You can find more details about Troy Davis and the case on the Amnesty International website.
So I suppose this is about emotion. I'd always been afraid of showing emotion because I'm always the strong one, the quietly confident, suffer in silence type. But I have very low self esteem and the truth is, the strength is a bit of a facade. Don't get me wrong, I'm stubborn as hell, and I hate giving up, and I'm strong enough to handle my own problems and help others with theirs, but I've become very good at hiding myself. It's a strange feeling. Life can be hard, but we have to go through it. Don't give up, talk to someone about it.
So while I'm here I'm going to try to make a difference, because that's what I want to do. We all make a difference, even if it's only small. Even if only one person hears you, think to yourself, what if another person hears them, and so on. The pattern could be exponential if we try hard enough.
AJ
There comes a time in pretty much everyone’s life when you just wonder if the world is ever going to listen to you. All the things we try and do – are they ever going to make a difference? We hope so, somewhere along the line, but it’s frustrating when you keep having to wait. However, good things come to those who do wait. Trust me. This post is dedicated to Mr. Troy Davis, who was executed one wednesday night ago in spite of millions campaigning against his sentence.
It’s tough having to watch everything you say be disregarded, especially in a case like Troy’s, but everyone will make a difference to someone. Even if your mark is small, at least it’s there, eh? Apparently it’s rare that people cry tears of sadness, but more commonly of frustration – a complicated emotion though it may be. I’ve had many tears of frustration myself, and I admit that with pride. Don’t be ashamed of the tears, they only make you human.
So I want to pass a message to Troy Davis’ supporters, and his family, and his friends. We weren’t heard on Wednesday night, not by the Georgia Parole Board, nor by the district attourney, nor the person who sanctioned the warrant for the execution, but now we can fight for everyone in the same situation as Troy was. There was too much doubt about his execution, and when the decision was made it was a sad day for justice, not just in America, but worldwide. But we’ll keep going, because that’s just what we do. The world may be a dark place sometimes, but that doesn’t stop us from lighting a candle. You can find more details about Troy Davis and the case on the Amnesty International website.
So I suppose this is about emotion. I'd always been afraid of showing emotion because I'm always the strong one, the quietly confident, suffer in silence type. But I have very low self esteem and the truth is, the strength is a bit of a facade. Don't get me wrong, I'm stubborn as hell, and I hate giving up, and I'm strong enough to handle my own problems and help others with theirs, but I've become very good at hiding myself. It's a strange feeling. Life can be hard, but we have to go through it. Don't give up, talk to someone about it.
So while I'm here I'm going to try to make a difference, because that's what I want to do. We all make a difference, even if it's only small. Even if only one person hears you, think to yourself, what if another person hears them, and so on. The pattern could be exponential if we try hard enough.
AJ
Saturday 17 September 2011
Real things.
I have never been one to be reliant. I consider myself pretty independent, I don't like people worrying about me. I'm always the strong one, the nurturing one, the one who wants to know about your problems, the one who wants to help, regardless of how I feel. But lately, I've realised that's not entirely true. There is someone I confide in more than anyone else, and I rely on her to be there when I need her, and she has never once complained about me. That I know of at least. To say the least, she's always been a bit of an angel to me, and I love her for it.
Yesterday, my father turned to me and said 'money is easily made, but a friend is for life' and while that may not be the case for some people, you have to ask yourself, is that friend a real friend? Because in my experience, a real friend is for life. You might have silent periods, maybe they'll disappear, but real friends always come back. And we don't have a hidden agenda. So, to Amber, I love you for all the times you've let me cry on your shoulder, seen me puke, looked after me when I'm down or ill, just thank you. You're amazing.
As I began writing this, I set my IM status to 'blogging, interrupt if you want a mention' and so far, I want to mention Meghan Jenkinson, small and awesome. Also, Becky Simpson, another person who popped up in my chat window. These two have also been a huge support for me.
I actually want to tell you guys about another person. Her name's Poppy, but she hates that, call her Nudge if ever you should meet her. I love Nudgie. Even through looong periods of silence, I've managed to find her again. We've spent long times chatting, and I want her to know I do care about her (despite some little periods of doubt, what? At least I'm honest!), more than those assholes who've left her. Hear that Nudgie? Forget 'bout them. They're not real friends. Not unless they grovel. I love you kiddo, and I hope you have an amazing time in oxford! I'd stow away, but I have college and crap.
I like to hope that I make a difference to people, that I'm not just a bit on the side that they'll clean up later, and I hope that's true. I have a really bad complex, a really bad notion that if I can't help myself, nobody else can, but I know it's not true. People have made a huge difference to me. I'm young, but I really don't feel it. But I've got a lot left to learn, I've got so many people to meet, so many to find again, I want to live, and I'm damn sure gonna do it. Join me on my ride if you want.
AJ
Yesterday, my father turned to me and said 'money is easily made, but a friend is for life' and while that may not be the case for some people, you have to ask yourself, is that friend a real friend? Because in my experience, a real friend is for life. You might have silent periods, maybe they'll disappear, but real friends always come back. And we don't have a hidden agenda. So, to Amber, I love you for all the times you've let me cry on your shoulder, seen me puke, looked after me when I'm down or ill, just thank you. You're amazing.
As I began writing this, I set my IM status to 'blogging, interrupt if you want a mention' and so far, I want to mention Meghan Jenkinson, small and awesome. Also, Becky Simpson, another person who popped up in my chat window. These two have also been a huge support for me.
I actually want to tell you guys about another person. Her name's Poppy, but she hates that, call her Nudge if ever you should meet her. I love Nudgie. Even through looong periods of silence, I've managed to find her again. We've spent long times chatting, and I want her to know I do care about her (despite some little periods of doubt, what? At least I'm honest!), more than those assholes who've left her. Hear that Nudgie? Forget 'bout them. They're not real friends. Not unless they grovel. I love you kiddo, and I hope you have an amazing time in oxford! I'd stow away, but I have college and crap.
I like to hope that I make a difference to people, that I'm not just a bit on the side that they'll clean up later, and I hope that's true. I have a really bad complex, a really bad notion that if I can't help myself, nobody else can, but I know it's not true. People have made a huge difference to me. I'm young, but I really don't feel it. But I've got a lot left to learn, I've got so many people to meet, so many to find again, I want to live, and I'm damn sure gonna do it. Join me on my ride if you want.
AJ
Sunday 4 September 2011
Feeling Upside-down
Feeling upside-down - to me that's the nauseous feeling where your stomach wants to live where your mouth is and your mouth wants to live in your intestines, thus giving you an upside-down feeling. I often feel a bit like this. It can be from irritation or anxiety, or maybe you just have stomach flu. Either way, it means you need to chill out for a little while and let it pass.
I've been feeling upside down for about a week now, and it's beginning to pass. This week will mark the beginning of my last year in school. I think that scares me more than anything else right now. I mean, in a way it's nice, because some of my worst times have been at school, but so have some of my best. I nearly completely dropped out of school last year. I genuinely would have if the parents had let me. I wasn't in a good place, and i just didn't have the motivation to...well...be there.
But I kept at it. I just kept pushing, and I think that's the best way to get through some things sometimes. I've had to push a lot the last couple of years, and I do feel very tired. I do sound like a drama queen, don't I? A song lyric that really springs to mind when I'm feeling like this is 'And I'll admit, I don't want you to get me through this.' I go through things alone a lot of the time. I talk, hell yeah, I talk about it, but sometimes its not enough, because people don't really know what you're saying unless they've gone through it.
But that's not always the best way to go. This is partly why I've started blogging again. Someone out there will be feeling the same as me, and hopefully, my blogging will help. I'm not that interesting, not a celebrity, just a normal person, who keeps going and writes about it on the way. I hope someone finds me helpful...or interesting.
AJ
I've been feeling upside down for about a week now, and it's beginning to pass. This week will mark the beginning of my last year in school. I think that scares me more than anything else right now. I mean, in a way it's nice, because some of my worst times have been at school, but so have some of my best. I nearly completely dropped out of school last year. I genuinely would have if the parents had let me. I wasn't in a good place, and i just didn't have the motivation to...well...be there.
But I kept at it. I just kept pushing, and I think that's the best way to get through some things sometimes. I've had to push a lot the last couple of years, and I do feel very tired. I do sound like a drama queen, don't I? A song lyric that really springs to mind when I'm feeling like this is 'And I'll admit, I don't want you to get me through this.' I go through things alone a lot of the time. I talk, hell yeah, I talk about it, but sometimes its not enough, because people don't really know what you're saying unless they've gone through it.
But that's not always the best way to go. This is partly why I've started blogging again. Someone out there will be feeling the same as me, and hopefully, my blogging will help. I'm not that interesting, not a celebrity, just a normal person, who keeps going and writes about it on the way. I hope someone finds me helpful...or interesting.
AJ
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