I'm angry at myself.

I'm finding myself coming back to this blog more and more, wanting to write things that I can't quite form words for, but I can give it a pretty good try most of the time... If there's one thing that I can actually do, it's words.

So I'm feeling pretty low today, and writing something or other usually helps me, so here we go...

I think I'm angry. Not at anyone else, not at anything in particular, it's just one of those days where everything you do makes you a little bit more frustrated until you build up this sort of completely angry, dissatisfied with life mentality. But it's a strange kind of feeling; not the immediate seeing red and wanting to do something irrational that you'd probably regret later, but more of a jaded sort of irritation with yourself.

And that's the distinction - I feel like I'm angry at myself. Which really shouldn't be a thing.

I'm usually quite a calm and cheerful person, and I try to be as much as possible. I try to help people when they need help, I get my stuff done, but now and then I just get this shite feeling at the back of my head which makes it really hard to do simple tasks like focus on what someone's saying. What makes it more annoying is that it's an inward thing. It's aimed at me. And being angry at yourself is just a really weird feeling. It just feels so odd.

So basically, I've felt a bit thrown off the last couple of days. It's been really confusing me, and it can be quite upsetting. But it's okay. It'll be fine eventually. I've had months of this before, and look, I'm alright now. I can do it again.

-AJ

Honesty

Honesty is a thing that people often struggle with, and reasonably so as well. It's hard to tell people things that you know they won't want to hear, or tell them things only to hear what you don't want to hear. It's often not easy to be honest, I understand that - there are things that I don't tell anyone, but sometimes, in spite of your apprehension, being honest, no matter what the outcome, is really the best thing to do. Because at least then you can be at peace with the truth, even if it takes a long time.

Sometimes, being able to be honest with someone else, helps them to be honest with themselves. Admitting something aloud or on paper makes something much more real and for me, it helps you accept the reality of what's going on. Sometimes, giving something a name makes it so much easier to fight. Because then, at least you know what you're fighting against.

I've been trying to write this for literally months. I must have started it in August, something like that. Almost a full year ago... I know it was before I moved to Glasgow, before I knew that I was moving here, even before I was as calm as I am now, day to day. But I think I'm starting to understand a bit better. I suppose what I want to say is that I'd rather someone was honest with me than lie to save my feelings. So I'd like to do the same with others.

I'd like to think there are people out there who are just the same as me, who do the same sorts of things in my position. I've been told before that the things that I put on here, that I try and share with as many people as possible are things that I should keep to myself. But that's not at all what I want to do. That isn't even remotely conducive to what I'm trying to achieve. Because if you are out there and you're like me... I want you to know that.

I want to put a positive stint on something that's really affected me... something that's affected me quite badly... Up until I could see retrospectively, I didn't realise quite how much. But the only really useful way I can think of is helping people. I can't help people by lying. So I'm being honest, because that's how I think it should be done.

I still get those days where I can't feel anything. It terrifies me. Every time, I don't think it'll go away. But it always does. It gets better. It always gets better. And that's what I'm trying to achieve.

Honesty can make things better... sometimes you just have to push it to do so.

-AJ x