A continuation of my previous post.
I was unhappy for a long time. It felt like forever, but obviously wasn't. When my body started acting oddly, so did I, but I never knew that I was acting oddly. "I'm fine." is the lie that I most regularly told myself, and the people around me. I was unhappy. It wasn't quite a sad feeling; it wasn't quite a feeling. It's difficult to describe and remember. I suppose it's all a bit of a blur.
Like everyone does, I occasionally go into a slump. I have an unhappy few days, wake up not wanting to do anything with my life, occasionally just not wanting to leave my room, let alone my house. For me, there's an overwhelming sense of apathy to life, which really upsets me, because I'm not that person. I am the painful optimist, I'm the one who always has something to say, who occasionally will literally dance across the house to get laundry out of the washer. So at this point, I go into what is essentially a self-destructive cycle, but somehow, I manage to pull myself out of it before I get out of hand. Largely because I'm surrounded by amazing and inspiring people.
Last time I wrote, I felt like I had so much more to say, but I wasn't really sure where to start... so I'm gonna just try and start with something from a few days ago that just completely overwhelmed me, which is something that hasn't happened in a long time; I mean, I've been overwhelmed but this felt different.
It sounds like a massive cliché, but I felt like I was falling to pieces.
I hate that feeling, and I hate myself for feeling it. I don't like being out of control and that's exactly how I felt. I felt out of control, I hated myself for feeling it, then felt more out of control, hated myself for hating that I hated it, and it just got worse until I was walking to work in a haze, trying to not curl up on the pavement and just... cry.
And all I could think was "Why is this happening to me?".
People say that you're tested and it's never beyond your abilities to overcome the tests, or something thereabouts. I don't feel like I overcame this one. I sent a message to a friend, and got a phone call that made me calm down. I don't feel like I'm falling apart any more, but I still don't feel like I'm wholly content. Happiness isn't a destination, it's a state; it's just sometimes a state that really eludes me, and one that I occasionally can't even think about because I'm so deeply in the opposite. I get sad. I'm not scared to talk about it, but I'm scared of feeling it. I pretend to be confident and that it's just a part of me, which in fairness, it is... I just which it was a part of me that would become dormant so that I can be happily functional.
There isn't really an answer to that question though. I don't know why it's happening to me, other than it's a wall that I have to break down, and a thing that I have to embrace and overcome, but I just don't know how. I suppose in a way, it'll help me grow. It's things like this that help me identify with some people on a different level... I've met and been inspired by so many amazing people, and I'm awestruck by people who cope better than I do when they seem to be comparably worse than I am in a... slump.
One thing that I really need to impress on people though... when someone feels something like this... if someone is depressed, unhappy for no reason, whatever you want to call it, telling them to pull their socks up and get over it will never, ever help. It is so rarely a case of getting over it. That's something that's utterly bewildering. How do you even get over it? How does that work?
... Nope.
-AJ
